Disintegration

I find myself wondering, from time to time, how like other people I am.  Naturally, everyone is unique (which is just another way of saying no one is) in spite of themselves.  Knowing this, I have been repeatedly enraptured by the fascinating traits of others, almost universally to my detriment in the long run, since it turns out that the differences lead only to disintegration.

Disintegrate: –verb (used without object)

1.	to separate into parts or lose intactness or solidness; break up; deteriorate: The old book is gradually disintegrating with age.

Let me tell you, I've done a lot of that.  The constant struggle to build a life with security and meaning has been a long, hard fight indeed.  It surely can't help that those I chose to do it with have had no real understanding of me.  Sure, they've understood my passion, my creativity, my erudition even, but rarely has anyone successfully contemplated the whole.

Some facts about me:
 

• I am a troubled soul, but that doesn't make me a loser, no matter how hard one tries to manifest that belief.
• My personal evolution has slowed to a crawl more than once, but has never halted or failed.
• Hopefulness and realism are forever battling within me, but my neural pathways know what is true in my quantum reality.
• That your reality is not my own does not make you a superior individual by any leap of logic or faith.  The inverse is also true.
• I do in fact hold a grudge.  Moreover, I nurture and feed a grudge until it bifurcates infinitely into a veritable army.  More importantly, however, I have reasons for my grudges, and should those reasons be allayed, I will certainly and gladly forgive.
• I am a source and subject of inspiration, and this is perhaps the sole factor in my life's worthiness.  Without that, all my loves and works would be for naught. 
  

The depth of my reflection turns out to separate me significantly from the masses. It separates me even more from those with whom I have sought connection, as those fascinating variations in human nature that draw me like moon to earth have never been balanced in such a way as to maintain gravity until very lately. 

As I have previously mentioned, I do not deal well with disintegration.  While there are many arenas in which the inevitability of change is welcome, my personal life is not one of them.  What I am really getting at is that I have never fully disintegrated at all, which has left me in need of impossible reintegration, which I neither expect nor want, but nonetheless leaves a vacancy of spirit. 

In the end, there is no way to alter this reality.  I seem to have managed the only possible positive reaction, which is to embrace it.  While the immediate effects are generally destructive, I eventually learn more about myself and, by extension, everything else.

But, having reflected and processed, I do not forget.  I never forget.  In fact, I never complete even the internal integration. 

Though it pains me, I'm OK with that.

There.  Self-indulgent post complete.  For now.